Suddenly, I feel like pouring everything that I felt since the beginning. First of all, I must say that most of the people I knew think it's easy to talk me because they think I've never really cared whenever people said something that hurts my pride and dignity but I'm wondering did they ever think that every word they said is all seems like a knife that stabs my heart every single freaking time. Initially, I didn't feel like this but after the jokes are getting out of hand, it has become irritating and I started to have a lot of negative thinkings on people around me. Yes, I'm an average looking girl with an overweight body. But it doesn't mean people have the tickets to say harsh things about how big my body is and how my face is not up to your "beauty standard".Do they think it's okay to compare me with someone or something because from the beginning their intentions are just for cracking jokes to people but have you ever known how harsh are you sounded from my ears?? So now I understood very well this is the main reason why people have anxiety and insecurities. This is the real reason why people actually do have suicide thoughts. It's all started from the mean comments then they changed into a huge burden to satisfy people.People who have suicide thoughts usually the ones who couldn't cope with the huge burden to meet with people's expectations.
It's true that I've done a lot of things that destroyed myself. There was the time when I felt like it's okay not to eat at all since that was the only way for me to lose weight quickly. There was also the time I felt like it's okay to throw up everything that I've eaten because I feel regretted after eating. All of these things happened because of the huge burden that people put on my shoulders just for the sake of proving to them that after this, they can't joke about me anymore or one day they will think I'm actually better than that.
Anyway, I don't think I've overcome the feeling of insecurity but I've stopped doing all the things that I said before and I'm actually going on a healthy diet even though the jokes aka insults are still happening in my life so I hope one day people like this will know that what they do is some sort of mental abused to people like me even though they were just for a joke.
Hoping for better days ahead of me! See you in the next post!
